This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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