i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Randomize
