Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
