I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
