Only a mothe r could love this liver
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Randomize
