Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
