Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
