just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Randomize
