Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
