you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
