she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
You brought string cheese to the strip club
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
