Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize