No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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