Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
