my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Randomize
