I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
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