she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
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