its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
