Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Randomize