He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
