Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Of course I have a pirate flag
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
