"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Randomize
