a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
