I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Randomize