like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
