Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Randomize
