his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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