Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
