My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
You brought string cheese to the strip club
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
