everyone is single if you try hard enough
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
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