Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
Randomize
