You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
