apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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