Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
