Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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