At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Randomize
