oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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