Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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