I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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