I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Randomize
