I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
