He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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