I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
