Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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