It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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