You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Randomize
