I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
