We got so high we made milksteak
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
