i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
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