I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I have post one night stand depression
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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