I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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