You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
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