I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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