My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize
